Once you are satisfied with unsatisfactory service, you deserve it. So don’t be content with a disservice. Don’t give up. Remember, you are entitled to deluxe. Comparing Amazon vs eBay customer service, only 61 to 66% of customers are satisfied with the support department in resolving their issues.

Let’s do an exercise. Next time you get bad customer service, don’t settle. Fight, stipulate, throw a fit, ask for a supervisor, call your lawyer, bring media attention, say “you’ve lost my business”, say “your rival’s just got my business”, say “you’ll lose your business soon”, call your lawyer...oh wait, you already did. Feel better? Did you scare them? What were they doing? Aha, waiting. Listening. Sympathizing. 

When you are out of steam, they start explaining how good they are, how good you are, their business is, their products are, their supplier is not, the weather today is not, computers are down, your lawyer should not waste his time, global warming is coming, they have the best Customer Service reps in the industry but none of them in this location, gas prices are ridiculous, you have no clue how much they appreciate your business, your problem can not be solved at this time, what else can they help you with… 

Okay, you’ve got smart ones. Smart ones with a psychology background. They waited until you dumped your anger from the right side of your brain, switched you to your left side, so you would be able to listen and rationalize; and wrecked your attacking momentum. Now you feel confused, embarrassed, unappreciative, and neurotic, and you don’t even have a lawyer. All right, we failed the test.

Let’s try something different. Forget the smart ones in identical suits and ties. We’ll conquer remote customer service via phone. These people lost your application, sent the wrong merchandise to the wrong address three months after you needed it, and double-charged you for this transaction. Call them. Be strong. If it sounds like the Customer Rep does not feel sorry enough for all the heartache they caused you, just hang up on him. Bad connection – happens all the time. Call again, and try another rep. Another one. Another… There should be someone. They are also people. They can be victims of bad customer service themselves. Found one? Awesome. Did she share her own story with you? Made you cry? Feel better now? Got your money back? Oh, I understand. How could you bother the poor lady with your insignificant problem? You are such a warm and sensitive person, yes you are. I am so proud of you.

Okay, let’s try something else. Telemarketing! So what, you hate them? So what, you don’t want whatever they sell? We are talking about good customer service, and we are getting it. Let’s feel the love! Let’s feel on top of the world! And let’s do it without inviting anyone to our homes, lives, and pocketbooks! Did you hear me, you sensitive one? Don’t get involved! You are not buying! You are just getting pampered with some exquisite customer service. 

So next time they call, you actually pick up. Answer. Let them talk. No, you don’t need to listen. First, just let them talk. Don’t bother to interrupt – no way, they’ll award the tiniest pause to let you interrupt. Wait until they are finished with their 5-minutes script and then ask politely: “can you please repeat this?” They will. This time around you can listen, it will be much slower – they are out of breath. 

Ask some questions. The dumber the better. A customer has a right to be dumb. A dumb customer should be still granted service. This is how good customer service works. Ask what they can give you for free. Enjoy listening to the answer. Don’t get carried away – free stuff always turns out to be the most expensive. Remember – we are not buying, we are having an out-of-ordinary customer service experience. Then show your concern with a couple of “What if“ and “How about” questions. Listen to the answers and feel the love. They really want you. But you are not ready. You need to sleep on it. Actually, hibernate on it, but don’t say this. 

Remember – they don’t know that you are not buying.  And remember – you are not buying! Be strong. Pledge to call tomorrow. Ask for the person’s name and extension. Don’t be thrifty with ‘thankyouverymuch’. You’ve just received a great therapy session for free. Sorry, what did you say? Not exactly for free? Ah, you did sign up, vulnerable you. Did you need it at all? Then why?  Could not resist the service? Well, at least you got the service you deserve.